


Jewel in the Midnight

by TamChronin



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-25
Updated: 2004-03-18
Packaged: 2019-06-11 12:58:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15315993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: There's nothing Sakura can do. Syaoran is dead, and she can't imagine facing life without him. One person can come along and pick up the pieces to help her move on. The question is, will she let him?





	1. Shattered Heart

"Sakura, wake up."

It was Tomoyo, shaking me gently, brushing hair carefully from my face and generally fussing over me trying to get me to open my eyes.  I didn't want to.  I never wanted to wake up again.  Her hands were persistent though, pulling me against my will to the real world.

"I don't want to," I moaned.  I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and they were words I could not stand to hear.

Meiling wept loudly in the other room, reminding me of the story Eriol once told me about banshee in England.  Another kind of ghost.  These ghosts wailed as harbingers of death...much like Meiling was doing now.

I was suddenly angry.  Why was Tomoyo in here, trying to wake me, when her girlfriend needed her more?  Didn't she remember that Meiling was Syaoran's cousin?  Didn't she remember that Meiling had loved him even longer than I had?  Why was she here with me, shaking me, calling me back to life against my will, when her girlfriend needed her?  I almost sat up and yelled at her about it, but that would take more energy than I had.

Instead I just rolled over painfully, hugging the cards to my chest, and glared at the blank wall that now faced me.  "Go away," I finally muttered.

"Sakura," she admonished gently, "you need to get up now."

"I don't need to do anything."

Didn't she understand?  I couldn't do anything.  Not now.  I'd tried everything, but his body--

No matter what I did, there was no change.  It was over.

He was dead.

His body--remained lifeless.

I felt the cards pulse weakly, trying to comfort me and assure me they'd done all they could.  I could almost hear their murmured whispers of assurance and love calling me back from whatever brink I was on.  I wasn't even sure what that was, where I was headed if I didn't get up.

I just hugged the book closer, clinging to it like a lifeline...and maybe it was.  If I lost my will to live, if I gave in to the depression and did the worst, the cards would die as well.  So would Yue and Kero-chan.  I could never do that, but it was just so painful to think of carrying on after what happened.

"Sakura-chan, please.  It's been three days.  At least eat something.  You need to."

I had tried that though.  I had eaten at some point, but it all tasted like ashes and I couldn't eat very much.  It had sat like a lump in my stomach for hours.  Eating wasn't worth it right now.  Nothing was.

The weeping in the other room softened and a deep male voice buzzed slightly from in there.  It was soothing even from here, where I could not hear his words.  I wondered who it was, but didn't care enough to actually look.  It didn't matter who it was.  It wasn't Syaoran.

I heard motion behind me and I assumed Tomoyo was finally going to comfort her girlfriend.  It was so strange how the two of them ended up together, after--

I felt a warm hand on my back.  This close it was impossible to ignore the familiar feeling and warm presence of the man that was now sitting carefully on the bed beside me.  I didn't have to look to know who it was.  He didn't have to say a word.  His touch was enough that his strong magical aura resonated through me and I felt the hollow pit that had been eating at me for three days intensify.  I felt like I was being run through with a sword where he touched me.  I curled in around that pain and began to sob.

"Sakura-chan, it's time to get up," Eriol's gentle voice called me out of my tears.

"I c-can't," I wailed, unable to control this feeling any longer.  If Eriol was here, all the way from England, it meant that all of this was real.  No amount of lying in bed and denying it would change anything.  It was beyond my magic, it was beyond my hope, it was now beyond my ability to pretend that Syaoran was somehow not dead.

I felt his arms slip around me, comforting and strong, but they weren't the arms I wanted.  Didn't he understand that?  He couldn't comfort me like this.  It just made me hurt more and miss--

Eriol picked me up in one smooth motion, lifting me from my bed as easily as if I were a child.  I squawked inelegantly, clinging to him for balance.  He began to carry me like this, holding me against his chest while I protested and demanded that he put me down--but I didn't fight too hard, and I didn't do anything to stop him.  We both knew I could have, but we both knew I didn't really want to.

He walked directly to the bathroom, dumping me unceremoniously on my feet under the shower.  I didn't move.  I stood there, dressed in my nightgown, glaring at him.  He shrugged, and suddenly the water turned on of its own accord.  Or, with a little magical help from a certain blue-eyed magician with a penchant for mischief.

"If you don't start scrubbing, I'll be forced to wash you myself," he stated.

I narrowed my eyes to intensify the glare.  I had learned from two of the best on how to glare effectively.  "You wouldn't dare," I said, coldly.

He took off his glasses and set them aside, moving to join me under the spray.

I squeaked.

"Okay, okay, I'll get clean.  Can I have a little privacy so I can do this right at least?"

He bowed and retrieved his glasses, leaving me alone.

I struggled out of the wet material, then concentrated on getting clean.  Standing here alone was...strange.  No, Syaoran and I never showered together, it wasn't anything like that.  It was just that this was such a mundane task.  How could I do something so simple when the world had suddenly changed so much?  There was also the strange feeling of being watched, and I wondered if Syaoran was standing there as a ghost.  I started crying again, half in fear and half in longing.  I'd never know if he was really looking.  Once upon a time Onii-chan might have told me, but my own weakness had made that impossible.

My own weakness.

I shivered under the water that ran over my body, only realizing now just how cold it was.  I turned the tap to warm it quickly.  I may have been grieving, but sometimes some things would snap me out of the haze I was in.  The cold water finally managed it.  I almost felt alive again, and I didn't quite regret that.  Not as much as I thought I would.

When I was finished I realized I only had my towel to cover myself, and I just hoped no one would notice.  Then again, I supposed it didn't matter.  The one I wanted to see me like this would never see me like this at all.  With a sigh I walked out, all the essentials covered, but feeling naked nevertheless.

When I got back to my room, I looked at the bed longingly.  It was tempting to curl up there and never leave.  Too tempting.  I stared for a minute before I heard a chuckle from behind me.

"You know what he'd say if he saw you looking at the bed that way."

I jumped, whirling around and blushing down to my toes.  "What are you doing in here?"

"Only waiting to tell you that.  I'll be back when you're done, Sakura-chan."  Eriol placed a gentle hand on my shoulder as he passed me, then walked out the door.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I don't remember the rest of that day.  Well, I remember that things happened.  I said kind things.  Others said kind things.  We went out to dinner and I ate something that was placed in front of me.  People kept coming up to me, coming up to Meiling, and each of us would smile a little, sometimes cry, and then it was another person saying something.  All the faces looked the same.  I think Onii-chan said something kind, but I don't remember what.

I wanted the day to be over and done with.

Once it was though, I didn't want it to be over already.  I had been surrounded by people all day and felt like everything was going to cave in on me and crush me under the weight of people, some of whom I didn't even know.  Syaoran's relatives that couldn't find a way to go to our wedding with a year of warning were here now after only three days.  It was all too much to take, until I found myself standing in front of the dark, empty house, digging for my keys, standing alone.

Kero would be there, waiting for me.  He'd make sure I didn't do anything stupid.  He'd force me to cook at least, even if he couldn't force me to eat it.  Eventually it would smell good again when I cooked, so I'd eat at some point.  I hoped.  That is, I hoped food would smell appetizing some day.

I slumped against the door, leaning my forehead on the frame as I slid the key into the slot.  It wasn't locked.  I just knew it wasn't.  I didn't care.  I pulled the key back out and put my hand on the knob, but I didn't turn it.  I just stood there.

The door opened.

I should have been expecting it.  Somehow I wasn't, but I wasn't surprised either.  I was just thankful.  I found myself falling into his arms like a marionette whose strings had been cut.  He held me, he guided me inside, and he wiped away the tears gently when I finally finished crying.  It was a long time that I sat there, sobbing into his arms, sinking into the couch next to him, touching and holding and crying and wishing....

I finally looked into his eyes as they sparkled in the soft light.  He smiled at me and I melted.

"Sakura," he began gently, but I cut him off.

"Don't go."

"I must.  If I stay, I'll just hurt you."

I frowned, feeling a stubborn glare start to build within me.  The kind of glare I used to use on Onii-chan.  "You'd never do anything to hurt me."

"That's why I have to go."

My hands were balling into fists, denying his words.  "It will hurt if you leave me again."

"That's why this is the last time.  I'm here to say goodbye."

I knew it.  I had known it all along.  It still nearly killed me to have him say it.  "Don't.  Please, just don't."

His hands were soft as he wiped away the fresh stream of tears, and I didn't feel like crying anymore.  "I want you to remember one thing.  I want you to be happy.  More than anything."

I wanted to ask him how he thought I could be happy without him, but the words wouldn't come.  I didn't want to hurt him.  I didn't want to be hurt anymore.  I just wrapped my arms around him possessively.

"I love you, Sakura."

"I love you, Syaoran."

He smiled and kissed me softly on the forehead.  His fingers brushed against my lips.  Then he was gone.

It was the last time I saw my husband.


	2. Anywhere But Here

"Wake up, Sakura-chan."

I curled tighter around my pillow. "That was yesterday. I don't have to get up today."

"You have to wake up some time."

I finally placed the voice through my sleep-hazed mind and sat up. "What time is it?" Eriol was standing in my room, looking at me with sadness in his eyes.

"It's two in the afternoon. You've had more than enough sleep now. Keroberus said you've been asleep since midnight--that's fourteen hours."

I thought about giving Kero-chan a lecture about who his current master is and where his current allegiance should lie, but the thought immediately came to me that Kero would just be worried. I sighed. "He's the one that let you in?"

Eriol's brow furrowed. He looked so concerned, like he was about to frown, but I've never seen him actually frown. "Sakura-chan, he came over to my house because he couldn't wake you. I'm sorry, but because of that I let myself in."

I rolled back over and stared at the wall for a while. I wasn't sleepy anymore, but I was still tired. I'd had dreams, so many dreams all night, and I'd woken up from them many times. "Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine. I'm just tired."

I felt the mattress dip behind me, then warm hands pressed against my shoulders and pulled me gently to a sitting position. I allowed myself to be guided by him, finding myself surrounded by his embrace. I pressed my head into his shoulder and held him tightly in return, feeling more like a lost child than I ever had when I had faced the many trials of capturing the cards. All those years ago, and ever since, Syaoran had been the one that supported me and held me and gave me his strength.

"Are you ready to talk about what really happened yet?"

I clamped my eyes tightly shut and shook my head. I couldn’t even think about it. How could I talk about it? Somehow, Eriol understood. He just held me and stroked my hair, and eventually I felt silly sitting there with him comforting me when I couldn't even cry. It wasn't very productive if I couldn't cry, right? I sighed and pulled away.

"I saw him last night," I began softly. "I've never seen a ghost before, just felt them. It's scary to not see something and know it's still there, when you don't know what it is or what it wants to do, but this was Syaoran. Even though he was a ghost, even though I knew that, I wasn't scared. I just missed him. I wish I could see him again. I know he's around still, I know he's watching me, but I can't see these things on my own, despite the cards and the magic and everything. There are so many things I can't do."

I didn't want to say the last, but the words came out anyway. I think he understood.

"It takes a lot of energy for a spirit to appear to those who don't have the Sight," he said sadly.

"I know. I was scared to let anyone know about the magic before, but when things settled down I talked to Onii-chan about what he knew. I couldn't believe how much he had learned from all the ghosts he had seen before. I should have told him before, but he would have teased me--" I broke off with a shrug. It was all ancient history. "So, he told me about ghosts. Syaoran taught me other things. I still don't know everything, but I try..."

I lost my train of thoughts.

"Time never stands still," he said softly, looking into my eyes. "Even with magic, there are heartbeats and memories and somewhere, something is still measuring time."

I shuddered. I didn't want to think about time. I didn't really want to think about magic. I nodded. "I've noticed."

"Maybe it's too soon to say this, but you have to start thinking of the time that's passing. Life is going on around you, and people will worry about you if you've stuck yourself in a state of mind where time doesn't matter. I'll be very worried about you."

I looked at him questioningly, but he didn't say anything else. "I'll be okay, I'll survive. You don't need to worry about me." I tried to smile and reassure him.

It must have fallen flat.

He kept looking at me with those piercing blue eyes, and he finally frowned and stood. "Can you be ready to leave in five minutes?"

I nodded; confused but agreeable. He simply bowed and walked out of the room.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I wore something simple, just jeans and a pink shirt Tomoyo had made for me. I had no idea what Eriol had in mind, but he seemed to approve when he saw me. We were out the door in exactly five minutes, and I was surprised at how good it felt to be walking out in the sunshine. For a while it didn't matter where we went, as long as it wasn't in the house Syaoran and I had moved into together. Then we began walking familiar streets and a chill ran down my spine.

"We're going to the park?"

He nodded with a serious expression on his face. "I'm in the mood for a picnic. Kero, Spinel Sun, and Ruby Moon will join us there with the food, if that's okay with you."

I looked downward, staring at the sidewalk directly ahead. An occasional small crack would appear with a blade of grass or a stray weed, but it wasn't something one found often in Tomoeda. Just the occasional slight imperfection that reminded you that this was still the real world, and real things could happen.

I nodded. That was fine. The antics of the guardians would be a welcome distraction, even if I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for so much enthusiasm right now. Four days. I'd been a widow for four days. My stomach clenched and I was certain I wouldn't be able to eat a bite. Then I remembered his smile last night as he told me to live on without him.

"Yeah. A picnic sounds fine." I smiled weakly over at him, trying to forget all the time I'd spent at that park growing up. Ten years of my life there...I didn't want to think about the last ten years.

"I know what you're thinking of, Sakura-san."

Yes, I figured he would. Even without the ability to read my mind, he would. "What else should I think?"

"Some of those were the happiest times of your life. You can still have happy times there, even without him. If you let yourself."

I looked at him, losing my stride. He walked ahead a few paces, and then turned to look at me, waiting. "It's all moving too fast. I can't let go like that. I can't just forget--"

He took a step closer, too close, wiping away tears I was only half aware of shedding. "I'm not asking you to forget. I never want you to forget. That's the last thing anyone should ask you."

"Then...you want me to remember?"

He nodded slowly. "I missed so much. I came back once a year? Yes? No, less than that. I came back a few times while we still grew up. I was here for your graduation. I came back for the wedding." He slumped. "A lot less than once a year. Well, I wanted to come back once a year. Kaho-san always did."

I winced a little. He hadn't mentioned her even in letters for years. I pretended he hadn't said it. "It's okay, we kept in touch."

"The point is, I was hoping you'd tell me some of the things I missed. The little things. Syaoran was my 'cute little descendent' after all, and I regret not knowing him better. Could you find it in your heart to tell me what I missed?"

I had a feeling I knew why he was asking. It wasn't just to catch up on the past. He didn't want me to forget because he wanted me to remember. That was almost worse. Remembering was so painful right now. But, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to tell the world even a tenth of what was missing now.

"If that is your wish," I said softly. I smiled up at him and began walking again.

By the time we arrived at the park, I had slipped into a fog of memory. It wasn't all happy, but I couldn't stop talking. Eriol was so easy to talk to. He was so attentive, as if nothing in the world mattered but the words that came from his mouth. I told him about the time Syaoran and I had ridden bicycles through the park when we were in high school, and Kero had smelled crepes cooking from one of the vendors and popped out of my bag so suddenly that we had both almost fallen. It was spectacular to see Syaoran flip so perfectly from his bike to avoid crashing into the rail by the playground. He had landed perfectly on one of the posts and glared for an hour at my bag. Needless to say, Kero didn't get the pleasure of crepes that afternoon....

Eriol laughed. "I can almost hear him whining about it now."

I pointed. "That's because Nakuru-san is just over there with the picnic basket. Kero-chan *is* complaining about not getting any crepes."

We both stopped, laughing hard. Some things never changed. "Clow and Keroberus shared that weakness. Such a horrible sweet tooth, and the fights over the last chocolate could get vicious." His eyes twinkled merrily behind his glasses. "I loaded Spinel Sun with the weakness I did in hopes to avoid incidents like that. Well, partially."

"I always wondered about that actually."

I felt the glare before I saw it. Nakuru's handbag had sprouted a small black head with piercing eyes as we approached. "So have I," the dark sun guardian chimed in.

Eriol was snickering, trying to hide the action with a raised hand. We were all staring at him with undisguised curiosity now, and all he could do is try to contain his laughter. Then I thought about it. Serious, stuffy Spinel Sun while high on sweets...could I have resisted? From what I had learned of Clow, and what little I knew of Eriol, it made perfect sense. He'd want a companion that could challenge and stimulate his mind and be a serious conversationalist, but he would also want to have fun. How many times had Kero mentioned that Clow had had a twisted sense of humor?

I started to smile, thinking of that particular weakness being visited on Yue. I'd never do it, I wouldn't dream of it, but the mental image was irresistible. I started laughing despite myself, locking eyes with Eriol as we shared in the mirth. I tried to stop when Kero started demanding to know what was so funny, but it was like a dam breaking. By the time I was ready to stop laughing, I was sitting on the grass with tears of joy streaming from my eyes. Eriol was a little calmer about it, but he hadn't stopped smiling the whole time.

That's when it hit me. How dare I be happy when he was dead? How could I justify laughter so soon? Why was I doing this? What would people think? Syaoran would understand, he told me himself that he wanted me to move on, but what was Eriol thinking about my outburst? What if someone saw me and thought I was dishonoring my husband's life? What if--

Eriol's hand was on my shoulder. I looked up at him, and was met with compassion and understanding. "It's good to hear you laugh like that. You know he'd want you too, so don't feel guilty. He knows how much you love him, and no one else matters, okay?"

I nodded, finding calm in his words.

"Let's eat."

His suggestion was met with much enthusiasm...including, surprisingly, from me.


	3. A Thousand Yesterdays

Yue was giving me a strange look. I wasn't entirely sure why he was here instead of Yukito, but I never asked questions about how he wanted to handle things like this. Some secret part of me was still intimidated by my moon guardian and his cool and distant demeanor. I grew to love him dearly as a friend over time, but he still reminded me of being that little girl, confused and afraid, being forced to attack the one who meant the most to me at that time.

"Keroberus mentioned that you've been spending a lot of time with Eriol lately."

I blinked in confusion. It was true, but I didn't realize it was noteworthy. "He's been a great help the last few weeks, and a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what I would have done without him."

"Be careful, Sakura-san?"

Now I was even more confused, but I nodded. What did I have to be careful of? Eriol and I had kept in touch for years through letters and the occasional phone call. He had moved back here shortly before the disastrous break-up with Kaho-sensei. I knew him well enough. What was there to be careful about?

This was Yue telling me though, so I smiled at him, looking him directly in the eye. "It's sweet of you to be concerned. Of course I'll be careful."

He smiled at me then, the same small and rather weary smile I had grown used to, but it was still a smile. I wished he'd smile like Yukito, but it was okay. I was starting to understand better why his smiles were so rare. I wondered if my own smiles were a little smaller and a little wearier since--

Well, since then.

"Everything will be fine," I assured him after a moment of silence. "Everything always works out fine. I don't know how it will this time, but that's because sometimes you don't always see the big picture. It will work out though. It has to."

I think I sounded as vulnerable as I started to feel. I didn't understand why now, when I'd managed to hold things together for at least a week now.

He didn't say a word. He hardly ever did, really. He just moved closer and held me. I didn't even know I needed human contact until his arms were around me and my face was pressed into his shoulder. I didn't feel like crying, but I felt so much comfort in that gesture, more than I could put in words.

Still, he pulled away finally and the look on his face tugged at my heart. Was he thinking about Syaoran with such pain in his eyes? Did he remember the way Syaoran had once had a crush on Yukito the same as I, and we'd both made young fools of ourselves? Did he remember any number of times when he interacted with Syaoran as himself over the years? Was that what prompted the sad look? Or was it that he thought of his own pain and loss, and was reminded of it when faced with this new twist in fate's skein?

The doorbell rang, interrupting my speculation and erasing the expression from Yue's face. Onii-chan was there, fresh from a long day at work, checking up on me and making sure I was okay. "I told Yuki I'd meet him here, and maybe we could all go out for dinner."

I turned around to find Yukito standing behind me, smiling as ever, and my heart made its customary flutter still. I couldn't help it, he was still cute, and even on my wedding day I had caught myself grinning at him like that. Syaoran had--

He had teased me about it.

"Thank you for the invitation, Onii-chan. I have other plans," I lied. I just couldn't bring myself to want to leave the house after the train of thoughts I'd just had. It would be another night of tears and food that tasted like ashes and staring at photo albums in horrified fascination while I wondered if I could open them or not. So far I didn't have the courage. "Please include me some other night, but I can't do it tonight."

"Does this have something to do with him?"

"Onii-chan!"

He shook his head. "I just got used to that brat, accepted him into our family even though he dragged you to China and back all the damn time. You are NOT allowed to see that English brat, or anyone else for that matter. You are MY imouto-chan, MY kaijuu, MY Sakura-chan. I won't allow it."

I gave a bitter laugh. "Well, that was certainly blunt. First of all, it's nothing like that. Second of all, you have no right to tell me who to date even if I WAS dating already, which I'm not! Third of all, I AM NOT A MONSTER!" I punched him in the arm. Hard. And I glared.

He glared back for a minute, and then he did something unexpected. He grabbed me. I pulled away, shocked and expecting some new attack or something, but he just held me. Onii-chan was hugging me. It was so rare, he just wasn't demonstrative like that, and I was completely shocked. It took me a moment to hug him back, but after I did I felt another set of arms circling me from behind. A rare hug from Yukito, who usually kept his distance every bit as much as Onii-chan, though in a different way. The heart flutterings started again, but I firmly told myself it was just the magic and even if it wasn't Yukito-san was like a big brother to me and was involved with my Onii-chan and there was no use feeling like this so stop it now.

It worked the same as it had for the last thirteen years since he had kindly told me that what I felt for him was a family love and that he had someone else who came first in his heart. That is to say, it worked but it left behind a wistful smile that still said, "I wish..."

"Thank you, both of you, but I'll be okay. Zettai daijobu da yo!" I smiled even though I didn't really feel it, but they knew I was right. It would all be okay in the end. It would work out somehow.

"We just worry," Yukito said softly, ruffling my hair and pulling away. He still treated me like a kid sister, and that was okay. Some things in this world hadn't changed just because Syaoran was gone.

Onii-chan returned to himself. "Speak for yourself, Yuki. If she can punch me that hard still there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure that kid knows better than to mess with a monster like her." He rubbed his arm for effect, and I wondered for a moment if I'd really hurt him. I almost apologized, but then he grinned and I knew it had to be all for show.

"You're so mean! Out! Get out of my house if you're going to tease me about being a monster! Come back when you can treat me like a grown-up instead of a little kid!"

Yes, some things didn't change. Then again, some things did change...I didn't hate him anymore for teasing me like that. It didn't make me feel small and frustrated like it had when I was little. It made me feel included, accepted by him. It made me feel nostalgic. It really made me feel like things would be okay. If he could joke around like that, things were going to be normal again.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"KERO-CHAN!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, knowing he wouldn't pull himself away from the video game willingly unless I did. I did my best to sound angry...that sometimes helped.

He grumbled as he flew into the kitchen, but one look at my face and he became defensive. "I didn't do it!"

I shook my head. "I didn't say you did anything. I wanted to ask you a question."

He floated over, hovering next to me where I stood in front of the open freezer. "What do you wa--oh."

"Where did these come from?" I was looking at a pile of chocolate ice cream bars and various candy bars that had been hidden under the frozen vegetables. "You sound like you knew something about this. Are they yours?"

He hovered in the air uncertainly. "Ah, well, maybe half of them would have been. If I behaved myself. It was a thing that we, well, you see...."

I did see. "Oh. I guess they're all yours now." I started to walk away, leaving the door open. I returned to cooking absently, wondering if I'd actually eat any of it.

"You forgot to add the vegetables, Sakura."

Kero sounded so worried. It wasn't like him. "Ah, sorry. I...I think I'll just go get fresh ones. It always feels like cheating to use frozen ones anyway." I'd gotten in the habit of buying frozen vegetables for convenience when we were both still in college. It was a bad habit...fresh food was always better.

"You've already started cooking though!"

I rushed out of the room and called behind me, "Could you stir things and make sure they don't burn?" I was running for the door. I'm not sure why I was running, I didn't think about it, but I didn't want to stop even to put my shoes on. I didn't want to stop long enough to have to open the door.

The doorbell chimed just as I was removing my slippers. I froze, knowing exactly who it would be. Why was he here, now? I sat down; losing all the drive I'd had only a moment before. I heard Kero calling after me from down the hall, coming closer, and all I could do is sit there. I felt torn. I couldn't turn around and face Kero, and I couldn't move forward and open the door.

He knocked lightly and called my name. I didn't need to hear his voice to know who it was, but I was proven right. I felt somewhat trapped. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to deal with things right now, but I wasn't being given a choice.

"Sakura?"

Kero had caught up with me while I hesitated.

"Aren't you going to answer the door?"

I nodded, standing. I suddenly felt very silly, and I couldn't even understand why I'd been acting like that. Why was I on the verge of panic? I opened the door and smile. "Hello, Eriol. I wasn't expecting you today."

He looked me over, frowning slightly. "I had a feeling that you might want to talk, but--" He broke off with a shake of his head and replaced his worried look with a smile. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I-I don't know. It's been a long day, that's all. I'm sorry if I made you concerned, I don't want anyone to be worried about me." I stood aside, gesturing for him to come in.

"The last thing I want to do is pry, but--what's going on?"

Kero is the one who answered, sounding solemn. "She found his chocolate."

"Oh, I see."

In fact, they both sounded entirely too serious. I had to laugh, but it came out as a strained and girlish giggle. "What? It's just candy." They exchanged another look, before turning their eyes back on me. "It is! It's just chocolate! What's the big deal?"

"Why don't you tell me what the 'big deal' is?" Eriol was still too calm and serious.

I walked back to the kitchen, not caring if I was followed or not. "Well, it's not a big deal then. I mean, he was just hiding candy from me, in my own kitchen. I was a little shocked, that's all. Why would he do that, you know? But, I guess a lot of people like to have a secret stash somewhere. Even newlyweds. People who shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other sometimes can't let go of, oh, old habits. Right? So I--oh."

I realized what I was saying.

"Well, you're wrong, he did trust me with everything. I'm sure he just wanted to surprise me some day or something. Or, maybe it wasn't a big deal, he just forgot to tell me where his bribe candy for Kero-chan was."

Eriol's brow furrowed. "I never said he didn't trust you."

I took a deep breath, looking around the kitchen wildly a moment. Why was I suddenly so scared?

"He did trust me," I finally found myself saying. This isn't what I wanted to say, but the dam was breaking. "He trusted me more than anyone." My voice was lowering in pitch, and I found it harder to speak. "He shouldn't have trusted me though," I started to cry. "He shouldn't have trusted me at all."

"It's not your fault, Sakura-san." He was holding me tight. When had he gotten so close? It didn't matter. I let him hold me, and I cried on his shoulder as if I'd never cried before.

"How do you know it's not my fault? You weren't there. You didn't see it. I should have...should have done, something, anything MORE to save him, and I couldn't. He just looked at me and he trusted me and I failed him, and he trusted me with his life! He could trust me with his life, but not his stupid chocolate!" I couldn't talk anymore, I was sobbing too hard. I hadn't cried like this ever before. My chest hurt, and my eyes were burning as more and more tears fell, and I just couldn't hold it inside me anymore. The feeling was too big to contain, but it was too big to let out too. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there in his arms and cried until I couldn't anymore.

"It wasn't your fault," he murmured again. "It's not your fault at all. Ultimately, if anyone is to blame, it--" Eriol stopped and took a deep breath. "I--no, Clow--should never have made those cards. Should never have wished them on you. You did everything you could, but it never would have come to this if--"

"NO!" I screamed it. I wanted to run upstairs and grab the book and hold it protectively and never hear those words again. "Don't say that, please. I love each and every one of the cards, so much--"

"More than you loved Syaoran?"

Why was he doing this? How could he say such a thing? I opened my eyes to find Kero hovering nearby, looking at Eriol with the same worried eyes he'd been looking at me with since--for a few weeks now.

And that's when it happened.

Somewhere along the line, I'd forgotten how I used to see Eriol the person when I didn't know his secrets. I'd started looking at him like Clow, the great mage who could see the future and had given me so very much. I was awed, and I didn't see him as an equal. He'd created the cards, Kero, and Yue. He'd then created Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon. He was Eriol the Wizard of legend, reincarnation of the Great Clow Reed. He wasn't entirely human.

Until this moment. Because he hurt just as much as I did, and he said stupid things when he was feeling grief too.

Just like me.

"If it weren't for Clow, and the cards, and Kero and Yue and *YOU*, I wouldn't have had Syaoran at all. Not for any amount of time, no matter how little it seems now."

And, just like any human being, I finally saw genuine shock in his eyes. It melted away into a smile, hesitantly at first, but then it decided to stay. It was a Yue-smile, small and still all too aware of the fresh pain going on, but it was genuine. Then his smile turned rueful. "That was a stupid thing for me to say. I'm sorry for that, Sakura-san."

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'm glad you said it instead of just holding something like that in your heart." I matched his smile with one of my own. "Stay for supper? We can talk more."

He agreed. Kero was strangely quiet, and I caught him giving us both strange looks while he cooked. I thought nothing of it, and just took over taking care of the food, but maybe I should have taken note of it. Sometimes Kero is just as silly and fun as he acts, and sometimes I find out he's a lot wiser underneath it all. It's easy to forget and dismiss him sometimes...and maybe I shouldn't have done that so easily this time.


	4. Slowly Awakening

How long had it been?  Logically I knew it was six months today, but my heart was screaming conflicting messages.  Sometimes it felt like just yesterday, but sometimes it felt like it had happened too long ago to be remembered.  I had to think about it to remember what he looked like.

I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like.

"I wish you would talk to me again," I whispered that night.  "It's been six months since I let you down, six months since I failed you.  Can't you forgive me for letting you die?  I should have tried harder, I should have done more, but I was--"

I was what?  I was knocked out, that's all.  So, midnight came and went, and by the time I woke up with the wind blowing hard against us and the rain pelting us with daggers of ice, he had been dead long enough that it was impossible for me to change.  Not that I didn't try...not that I didn't ask the cards if there was any way, any way at all, that they could help or change the past or something.  In the end, even Time had spread his hands helplessly and shook his head, nearly as torn as I was.  Time had been one of his cards, in the beginning.  The cards that he had captured had shifted their loyalties to me the night Yue had pronounced me Mistress of the Cards, but I'd never begrudged any of them their fondness for the one I loved so much.  I couldn't blame them, after all.

So, even Time and Return had admitted the futility of the attempt.

I had tried anyway.

I almost died for it, but it was no less than what I felt I deserved after all.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Syaoran."

I looked at the clock and frowned.  There would be no sleep tonight.  Six months exactly, and the clock was recounting those exact moments to me as I lay in bed pretending to sleep.  I didn't think anything short of heavy narcotics or the Sleep card could force my eyes closed this night though.  I'd give anything to see him again.  Even if it couldn't be like it had been, even to see him like the night of the funeral.  It was a wild and crazy hope, but he'd done it that once.  He should be able to do it again.

I crawled out of bed, unable to stay there in this state of mind.

"Please.  I miss you so much it hurts.  You said you didn't want to hurt me, so come back.  Please come back to me."

It wasn't fair.  Onii-chan could have done it.  Or, he could have told me if there was anything Syaoran wanted to tell me.  He'd seen Okaa-san until the day--

Until that day.

I looked at the clock again.  Five minutes until midnight.  Otou-san would be fast asleep so I couldn't call him.  He'd been so much help the last six months too, especially at times when I felt like this.  He understood.  He'd been there.  He saw Okaa-san die too, and he'd survived it.

'Tou-san had done it.  So could I.

Otou-san hadn't been able to see Okaa-san either.  Just Onii-chan.  Onii-chan had all the Sight in the family.  So, I couldn't--

Wait.

In the family.

I knew someone, someone who had become very close and very dear to me, someone who could see spirits and could tell me if there was something I needed to hear.

I quickly changed my clothes, refusing to stop and think about it.  In fact, I grabbed the book of cards to take with me, and without a thought I pulled the key from around my neck.  In an instant I invoked the Fly card and was racing out the window and into the dark night.  I'd done this so many times before when troubled by insomnia or when a strange feeling prickled the hairs at the back of my neck.  No one ever looked up and saw me, especially at night.  Tomoeda was such a sleepy place at night usually that no one had any reason to look up and watch a girl flying through the dark sky.  I wore a dark cloak though, not wanting to be too conspicuous just in case.

The moon was full and the damp air clung to me as I slipped through the dark night.  The unique and unmistakable scent of autumn was further proof to me that time was, indeed, passing.  Had it been a rainy spring shower that pelted us that night?  That night the moon had been hidden, but it had been perfectly black in the sky.  New moon.  I remember Yue had been so silent and withdrawn earlier, so I'd just sent him home to--

No.

I wasn't yet ready to revisit those events.  I could almost handle remembering the after and the hopeless striving to make it all better, but the before was still too much for me.  Is that strange?  I don't know.

I found myself hovering over a balcony, hesitating before I'd allow myself to land.  The room was dark.  The whole house was dark.  Weren't they back already?  Belatedly I realized that they might still be in England.  It had been a week ago though, right?  I tried to figure it, and the best I could come up with was a week ago, but I couldn't remember if he'd said they'd be back this day or the next.

I went ahead and landed, feeling drained and defeated.  I sat with my back against the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest.  I draped my arms across the tops of my knees then, and cried into my arms for a while.  I just couldn't take any more of this night.  My brain wouldn't shut down, wouldn't let me sleep, and my only hope for finding some peace may or may not be asleep on the other side of this wall.  I wrapped my cloak around me tighter, shivering from both the cold and emotional overload.

I heard myself murmuring, "I'm sorry," again and shook my head.  I needed to stop that.  At this point they were useless words, just something I couldn't stop saying for some reason.  I could barely remember why I'd said them in the first place.

The balcony door opened quietly beside me.

I was only vaguely aware of it.  Somehow it just didn't seem real to hear the doorknob click open as it turned, or to see it swing slowly open.  It was so silent as it opened, and I heard the wood creak softly as weight settled onto the beams and planks the balcony consisted of.  Eyeglasses flashed the reflection of a distant streetlamp for a moment, framed by long black hair that seemed to spill everywhere.  He was a shadow figure as he looked around, looking for me in the darkness of the night.  Only when he closed his eyes did he turn his luminously pale face toward me.  "Sakura?"

All I could do was stare at him as he blinked sleepily at me.  I hadn't really wanted to wake him up.  I just--I wasn't sure what I'd wanted.  I was numb as I watched him kneel before me.  "Sakura, it's cold outside."

"I know," I said, nodding.

"Would you like to come in?"

I nodded again, taking the hand he offered in support.  His hands were so warm it felt like my fingers were on fire at first.  I began to wonder how long I'd been out there as I rose to my feet carefully.  My limbs were stiff from staying too long in one position and I shivered again.

He took note of this and easily picked me up with one smooth motion.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned into his warmth.  He smelled of spices and sandalwood, and I wondered if he'd been doing something with incense.  Making some, burning some...I realized just how much I didn't know about how he performed his magic.  I had the cards.  Syaoran had used his own methods handed down through his family.  So, what was Eriol's method?  In this, he was so much above me....

"Stay here," he murmured as he set me down on his bed.  Yes, it looked rumpled and the covers were tossed carelessly aside...I'd woken him up.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, but he had already left the room.

I looked down at the pure white sheets with a small smile.  It was somehow just like him I thought.  The heavy comforter was dark blue, and the pillowcases were trimmed with gold and black, but the sheets were white and soft and pure--

I was reading too much into this.  I knew I was.  But, some small romantic part of me wanted to paint him into the role of prince charming because I needed one so badly.  I needed someone to save me from myself and all the horrors I saw when I closed my eyes at night.  A knight in shining armor to--

No.

Syaoran had been my knight.  He'd been my everything.  So, why was I even thinking like this?

Eriol returned with tea, setting it on the bedside table.  "This should warm you up a little."

"Thank you," I said softly, taking the cup he offered me, and holding it in my hands.  It was too hot on my frozen fingers, but I bit my lip and shifted the cup from hand to hand as it got too uncomfortable.  If it was this hot in my hands though, I didn't want to take a drink yet.  So, I warmed my hands first, staring at the pale liquid inside.

"I made it weak, the way you like it," he said, sipping his own tea.  "So, you don't have to be afraid to take a drink."  He tried a smile with this, but he was still clearly not awake enough to pull it off.

"I'm just waiting for it to cool off a little," I said.  I looked back down at the cup and tried to focus...he'd looked so adorable, still sleepy like that.  "I'm sorry that I woke you up.  I wasn't really thinking."

"You weren't the one who woke me, Sakura.  It's okay."  He took the cup from my hands and held my frozen fingers in his palms.

This time the warmth infused me, sweeping through my body.  I was blushing, my heart was racing, and somewhere in there my mind had stopped working.  I just stared down at where he touched me and stared at his hands.  The fingers were long and slender, dexterous from long years of magical working.  His skin was pale, but still had a healthy glow from spending time outside...sun-kissed but not weather beaten.  His grip was firm and gentle at the same time, and I could feel strength in those hands that went beyond just physical.  Placed against the black fabric of his robes, his skin seemed almost luminous, enhanced by the not-quite physical glow his magic gave him.

I leaned closer, wanting nothing more than to be near him.  I wanted to be as close to him as I could, though my heart pounded in apprehension as I did so.  I leaned my head against his shoulder again, this time thinking clearly of what I was doing.  My hands would have trembled nervously if he hadn't been holding me so tightly.  I didn't dare look up at his face, I didn't want to see surprise or shock there as I leaned closer.  He finally let go of my hands and draped his arm around me, pulling me closer.

It was so hard just to breathe.

"Eriol," I whispered his name, not sure why.  What was it that I wanted from him?  I...didn't want this to end.  I didn't want to be let go.  I was scared to be alone right now.

I looked up, searching his eyes.  I watched myself as my hands came up and carefully pulled his glasses from his face...watching as if from a distance while my body did things I could only wish I had the bravery to actually do.  I was about to set his glasses aside when his hand covered mine, giving me pause.

"Sakura?"

He wasn't stopping me; he was just looking at me.  Without his glasses he looked so much younger...he looked for once like he was my age.  Even when we'd been children, even before I knew who he'd once been, he had looked so much older, but now he didn't.  He was just another person now.

Well, another person with almost unearthly good looks and eyes like the midnight sky on a full moon.

Why hadn't I noticed before?

But, I'd never been this lonely before.  Ever.  Maybe something of what I felt now was from missing Syaoran so much and knowing I'd never feel him hold me like this again.  Maybe that's what was pulling me so much that I dared to want what I'd never sought before.

Or, maybe being with Syaoran this whole time had kept me from seeing someone else I could love?

I couldn't think of this any more.  I had to do something.  I had to know for sure.  I had to find out what would happen if I took a chance.

I brushed my fingertips lightly against the smooth skin of his cheek and he shivered.  It was now or never.  I'm sure I was bright red, blushing so hard he could probably feel the heat radiating from my cheeks, but I moved forward anyway.  At the very last second I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his in a soft kiss.

My world held still while I waited, wondering if he would kiss me back.

I almost pulled away, almost came to the conclusion that I'd acted foolishly, when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.  He returned my kiss, slowly and gently, so restrained even now, and I couldn't hold back the thought that Syaoran had never kissed me like this.  He'd kissed me thoroughly, reverently, passionately, but...not so carefully.  This was so gentle, so slow, and so careful that I felt like a delicate thing that would shatter if he pushed me just a little bit further.

And, maybe he was right.  Maybe I would shatter.

By some mutual agreement the kiss deepened and I felt a tear slide down my face.  I didn't know why though!  Why would this make me cry?  He immediately pulled away, gently wiping the tear away with his thumb.  Again he held me close and he stroked my hair slowly, comfortingly.

"Six months," he murmured softly into my hair.  "That's...not a lot of time.  You should try to get some sleep, then we can talk in the morning."

I nodded, still crying more, but I didn't move away.  I felt so safe and warm in his arms, so protected from everything.  I didn't want to move again, ever.

He just held me, even as I fell asleep in his arms.


	5. Running Away

I had grown used to waking up alone, so the empty bed did not surprise me.  Still, for some reason it felt strange and I couldn't remember why.  It wasn't until I opened my eyes that I remembered I wasn't in my own bed.  This was Eriol's bed, and his sweet scent was surrounding me.  The other side of the bed was cool to the touch though, so I'd been alone for quite some time.  I blushed as I remembered my forwardness from the night before, and I touched my lips as I remembered the sweet and gentle softness he'd graced me with.  Such a careful kiss...what did that mean?

But, he'd kissed me in return.  He didn't have to--

Or did he?

Was that why he was gone now?  Had he held me and returned my kiss only out of kindness?  What did he really think of me now?

There was only one way to know.

I slipped out of bed, taking note that I was still fully clothed but my cloak had been carefully set aside.  I hadn't been wearing shoes in the first place, so that wasn't an issue at all...I draped my cloak across my arm and padded quietly from the room.  My only concern was for Eriol's sense of propriety in front of his guardians.  I didn't want them to get the wrong idea if they saw me coming from his room.  I needn't have worried; they were nowhere to be found.  I couldn't be sure of that at the time though.

I heard his voice coming from another room and drifted silently toward it.  I didn't want to disturb him if he was doing something important, or working magic that required concentration.  That wasn't enough to keep my curiosity from propelling me forward to see for myself what was going on.  It was nothing though.  He was just sitting down in his library, book draped across his lap....

He wasn't looking at the book though.  His eyes were focused on empty air a few feet away.  He looked both sad and apprehensive, and he spoke again.  "I just can't do this to her.  I don't want--"

He stopped as if cut off, but I heard nothing.  I knew though, I knew what he was doing.  I knew who he was talking to.  I didn't want to believe it, but the knowledge was there despite my defenses slamming me into denial.  I stared at the empty space before him and felt my knees grow wobbly.

"Syaoran, I--"

I gasped when he said the name, forcing me to face the truth.  His eyes immediately locked onto mine, but I ran away before he could say a word or do a thing.  I don't know if he ran after me, but I took off like he was.  Though I was still on the second floor of the house, I pulled out Through and used it to pass through the outer wall, and then Fly gave me wings to take me home.  I just wanted to run and keep running and never think about what had happened last night or what I'd overheard this morning.

But, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Last night I'd come to Eriol to ask him about getting in touch with Syaoran.  I was so lonely, I missed my husband so much, but instead I'd kissed someone Syaoran had once seen as a rival.  How could I betray him like that?  Was he watching...had I forced him to watch while I kissed someone else?

I'd never know.

And then the words I'd overheard began playing in my head as I tried to make sense of what Eriol had been saying.  Was I the one he didn't want to hurt?  What did he mean by that?  And, if so, what suggestion had he been denying?  What was it that he didn't want?  My head began spinning so hard I could no longer fly straight.  I landed on the top of an apartment complex and held my hands to my head, wanting to cry but too overloaded to do it.  Instead I just sat numbly until I could set everything aside and go on.

~~~~~@~~~~~

Tomoyo was sitting on her couch, stroking Meiling's hair as she listened to me.  Meiling was lying stretched across the couch, staring at the ceiling, and I could see the tears forming in her eyes as I brought up painful reminders to her.  They listened quietly as I told them about what happened last night, and what I'd woken to this morning, and even most of all my guilty rambling.

Of course, it was Meiling who suddenly sat up and wiped the tears from her eye.  "All he ever wanted was to make you happy, Sakura.  So, you can stop right there!  Syaoran wanted to be the one to make you happy, but since he can't, I'm sure he wants someone to.  Stop beating yourself up with this; if you really need to be beat up, I'll teach you how to fight!"

I was shocked by how upset she was.  No, I expected her to be angry with me, but not for those reasons.  I thought she'd hate me for kissing Eriol, for betraying Syaoran, but this was unexpected.

Tomoyo stood next to her girlfriend and placed a hand on her shoulder.  She leaned over to whisper in Meiling's ear.  She calmed after a moment of listening to Tomoyo's words and then nodded.  Meiling gave me a pitying look, then left the room.  I opened my mouth to protest, but Tomoyo was sitting down next to me, draining my will to fight with her calm presence.

"Syaoran and I were a lot alike in some ways," she began, to my utter confusion.

"No, you--" I was shaking my head, but she cut me off with a gesture.

"Yes.  We were.  Either of us would have done anything, sacrificed anything just to see you happy.  He and I talked about it once, just before Meiling and I decided to try a relationship with each other.  He told me that I could," she paused, taking a deep breath.  "He said I should look after my own happiness, because he would ensure yours.  No matter what."

I have long been aware of how my best friend feels about me.  It took a while to accept, and I was really confused at first, but when I was safely wrapped in Syaoran's arms he had asked me a few leading questions and I realized she loved me in a way I didn't quite understand.  I knew it, I accepted it, and I appreciated it for what it was, but I was bewildered how she could be in love with me without wanting anything more than what we had.  I'd never had the courage to ask her directly about it though.  Maybe now, while she was taken and I had problems of my own...?

"Tomoyo, I--"

Again she wouldn't let me talk.  I bit my lip, waiting for her to go on.

"Even in death, or maybe especially in death, I can't imagine Syaoran would do anything to make you unhappy.  If you can be happy with Eriol, you should be.  And, if I'm wrong, I don't think Eriol would lie to you about whatever Syaoran has said.  So, if you ask him--"

It was my turn to interrupt.

"No."

She looked exasperated.  "Sakura, be reasonable."

I stood.  "You've been my best friend for a long time, and I love you very much, but please don't say such a thing to me ever again."

She looked at me as if I'd slapped her.  I almost wanted to apologize, but I didn't want to take back what I'd said.  I couldn't take hearing it, no matter who said it, so I just walked away.  I heard Tomoyo say something, and I think Meiling protested as I headed toward the front door, but I didn't listen to a word they said, and I think something about my stance must have warned them off because the protests didn't last.  I just walked directly home, where I knew Kero would talk and talk for hours on end and wouldn't feel the need to tell me to relax and be happy when I couldn't.  I just couldn't.

~~~~~@~~~~~

The next day Onii-chan and Yukito came over.  I didn't know either of them would talk to Tomoyo for any reason, but apparently they had, and they backed her up and told me I should call her.  Onii-chan even yelled, telling me I was being stupid, and pointing out that if he was telling me to give any guy a chance it had to be worth listening to.  I summoned Yue.

"Yue, take him out of here before I do something drastic."  I was trembling with barely suppressed rage.

Touya opened his mouth to say something, but Yue was the wiser of the two.  "We'll do this again some other time, after she's calmed down."

I almost protested, commanding my guardian to never bring it up, but I stopped.  Since when had I commanded either of them?  This was getting out of hand.  Still, they both left before I could grow angrier with them and do something...well...drastic.  I don't know what I would have done, but I had a feeling I'd regret it.

A full week passed before anyone else tried to talk to me.  The next person to come to my door was Otou-san, and we ate a nice dinner in silence before the talking began.

"I heard you've been seeing someone," he said as I began clearing the dishes from the table.

I continued clearing the table in silence for a bit, and he just waited, helping me.  We were both in the kitchen when I leaned against the sink and crossed my arms.  "I was.  Is that wrong of me?"

"Sakura, I just want you to be happy."

It wasn't fair--"What is this sudden concern everyone has for my happiness?"

He only smiled his usual calm smile, and I instantly felt guilty for snapping at him.  "When people care for each other, that's what is important to them.  You are my daughter, so your happiness is very important to me."

I never understood how he could always take things so calmly.  He'd been an absolute saint when I was a teenager, and I cringed now at some of the things I'd done then.  No matter what though, he smiled and he was nothing but caring.

"Is it bad of me to see someone else?  After Okaa-san died, you never even looked at anyone else.  Why can't I be happy with what I had, and stop wishing for something I shouldn't have?"  I was crying, and I found myself being held closely.  'Tou-san stroked my hair while I sobbed into his shoulder, making soothing sounds.

He eventually wiped away my tears and lifted my face so he could look me in the eye.  "I've been asking myself the same thing, Sakura.  I'm seeing someone else as well, after all this time, and I had hoped to find your understanding."

His words were a splash of cold water across my face.

"You are?"  How could I have been so self-absorbed?  Why didn't I know?  Why was my first thought, 'how could he do this to me?'

"Yes.  I started dating her about a year ago, and things have only recently become serious.  I haven't wanted to burden you with it, since you are still healing, but I don't want to see you holding yourself to an impossible standard because you think I did."

Was that what I was doing?

"It's okay to love someone else?"

His smile melted away my fears more than any words could, but he went on anyway.  "Of course.  When your Okaa-san died, I never stopped loving.  Nadeshiko would have been sad to think I let her death close off my heart, to anyone.  We honor the dead by continuing to live, not by dying at their side."

"I don't know if I can," I said tearfully, but I was trying to wipe my eyes.  It hurt to keep crying so much.

"It's okay to be afraid, Sakura, as long as you don't let that fear imprison you."

I didn't understand what he meant at first.  I didn't want to understand.  But, later that night, I began to realize.  I was so scared of losing someone else, of not being able to save another life with all this useless magic, that I had been withdrawing from everyone.  I was looking for excuses to shut people out, to be angry with them so I wouldn't have to care anymore.

Through seeking freedom, I was imprisoning my soul from all love.


	6. Chasing a Dream

It still took a while before I could let myself accept my father's words and the lesson he tried to teach me.  I understood what he was saying now, but it didn't stop me from being scared.  If I didn't let anyone else in, they wouldn't suffer when I eventually died, and I....

I wouldn't....

That's where I always got stuck.

It was impossible to pretend that I wouldn't hurt to lose them, sooner or later.  If I cut ties with everyone now, it would hurt, and then it would hurt again to lose them and never have had the chance to spend all that time with them.  But, it hurt so much to love someone and see them die.  How did people go on, all over the world, knowing that in the end everyone now living would die, everyone would leave them or they would leave everyone behind?

Some people didn't go on.  Depression, insanity, and suicide were common escapes in a hopeless world.  But, there were people like Otou-san who managed to become better people and care more about others, even after losing someone they loved.  I would just have to learn how.

I started by apologizing to Onii-chan and Yukito and Yue.  We talked a bit, but after the last disaster the words came out too strained to go much beyond polite conversation.  I apologized to Tomoyo and Meiling next, and that was a lot less formal.  Meiling yelled at me.  A lot.  Tomoyo just smiled, gave me a hug, and told me she could never stay mad.  My best friend is a saint.  Truly.  I don't know how she does it, but I'm thankful for it.  I left their place that night, feeling more hopeful than I could remember in a long time.  I almost felt like my old self again.

That left only one more person I needed to see, and apologize to.

But, how could I?

I found myself standing in front of Eriol's house, outside at the gate, looking across the perfectly groomed front yard to the imposing front door.  Since when had it started to look so forbidding?  I couldn't bring myself to touch the gate, let alone set foot inside.  He'd hate me.  He'd never forgive me.  I'd been so rude, I couldn't imagine what he thought of it at all.

I stood there for a long time, torn, until the light came on in Eriol's room.  I saw his silhouette against the window, and I saw him turn in surprise when the light turned on.  He then turned back to look outside--

He'd been watching me the entire time.

Part of me wanted to run and never look back.  The problem was, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to run.  Did I really want to run to him, or away?

I closed my eyes.  "He's been my friend for a very long time," I whispered to myself.  "If that ends now, it's all my fault.  I can't let that happen.  Eriol is my friend."  I squared my shoulders and took a step forward, unsurprised when the gates swung open of their own accord, and the light in Eriol's window was extinguished.  I let my feet lead the way, bringing me ever closer to the door, until I stood before the opening aperture, watching as Eriol was revealed to me.

"Please come in," he said, voice revealing nothing.

I nodded, stepping inside and taking off my outdoor shoes as if in a dream.  Everything felt surreal as I went through the motions of a normal visit, following Eriol to the sitting room with a floaty sort of feeling in my head.  He wasn't smiling, he wasn't frowning, he was just there, perfectly blank for once in all the time that I'd known him.  He stood behind the large red chair, exactly like the one he'd once offered me when we were little and I'd visited his house the first time.  This time though, I didn't feel Clow's presence.  That was long gone, with the original chair and the original house, and this chair felt only like him, only like Eriol.

Eriol took a seat on the nearby couch, leaning back to stare at the ceiling for a moment.  He didn't speak, and I felt like I could not.  I wanted to, and I tried to say something a couple of times, but my mouth could not agree on what words it should be forming.  I stared down at my hands, willing the words to sort themselves out so I could talk, and I almost missed what he finally said.

"I remember," he began softly, "I remember so many things.  Clow tried so hard to ensure your happiness.  He was sure you would love--that you--that he--in the end that the one you would love--"

"Yue?" I guessed.

He nodded.  "And, when that didn't happen, there was Syaoran.  And there was Kaho.  Everything should have worked out perfectly like that, and you would have had your happy ending.  I tried so hard, and all I wanted was for you to be happy, Sakura."  There was a catch in his voice I'd never heard before, a vulnerability revealed in his tone that I never expected from him of all people.

"You succeeded," I assured him quickly, needing to make this all better somehow.

"Only for a while.  The problem with having such power is, though your successes are wonders to behold, so are your failures.  I thought I could spare you from that, I hoped I could keep your heart pure and joyful even with the burden of responsibility I was placing on your shoulders, but in the end I failed spectacularly."

"You can't blame yourself, Eriol."

"Can't I?"  He sounded hollow now, though tears glittered in his eyes.  "I failed you.  I failed Sakura, the one person I never wanted to see hurt, the one person who always meant more to me than anyone else."

I didn't know what to say.  I was thrilled to hear his admission that I meant so much to him, but he was in so much pain over this that I felt guilty.  He'd been in pain this whole time, and I hadn't noticed anyone else but me.  Some people might say that I was justified in my selfishness; I'd lost my husband after all, my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life.

But, how could I think I was falling in love with Eriol if I wasn't even paying attention to how he was feeling?

For half a second I was tempted to use that reasoning as an escape.  Maybe half a second, maybe less.  I'm not sure.  It didn't last long though.  Before I could even consciously reject that train of thoughts, I was in motion.  I stood up from the chair and knelt in front of Eriol, cupping his face with my palms and tilting his face upward so he would look me in the eye.

"You didn't fail me."

His expression didn't change as he looked at me, but I could feel how unconvinced he was.  He felt my sincerity, but that was not enough to change how he felt....

"Eriol, that night was the worst night of my life.  He and I...we were just going out to eat, and on our way home we both felt something strange.  He wanted to go straight home, but I had to know what it was.  It could have been some new enemy, it could have been someone in need of help, or it could have been--anything really.  I had to know.  So, I made him turn the car around and drive past the park, just to see if we could spot anything.  We got there, and I couldn't see a thing, but Syaoran just glared at me.  'There, it's just a restless spirit.  Again.  Happy?'"

Eriol was showing signs of listening to me, of my words getting through to him.  He also looked confused as to why I was telling him what happened after all this time.  Well, I was a little shocked myself.

"We were arguing.  We didn't pay attention.  We were just going home, as usual.  Nothing to pay attention to.  I still don't remember what happened next.  I was yelling, thinking he was acting just like Touya, and thinking I should just squish him like a bug some day so he'd stop picking on me.  I also knew I didn't mean it...not the thought, and not what I was yelling.  I think I remember a bright light, but it took a while to remember even that much.  The next thing I knew was that everything was dark, and I wasn't in the car anymore.  I heard an ambulance I think.  I turned over and saw him lying down next to me, and his eyes were open, and I thought he would be okay.  I thought he was so cold because it was windy and raining, and I said something about his hands feeling like icicles.

"That's when I noticed he wasn't blinking or looking around."

I had to stop talking for a moment.  It was the first time I'd willingly thought about it.  It was the first time I'd talked about it at all.  I forced myself to take a few deep breaths before I went on.

"So, you see why I know all about who might and might not be at fault.  All the magic I had could not change what had already happened, all because I did a stupid thing like lose consciousness at the wrong moment.  I blamed myself for not being powerful enough.  I blamed myself for being too curious.  I blamed myself for fighting and distracting him at the wrong moment.  I've hated myself for six months."

He moved his hands as if he wanted to wipe away my tears, but I could not shed any.  I felt strangely divorced from the events I described, as if talking about it had made it so it happened to someone else.  I knew it was me, but I felt like it wasn't...or maybe I wasn't.  But, it made me feel empty to speak like this.

"Sakura, I should have saved you from this pain.  Somehow, some way, I should have been able to--"

"No."  I shook my head violently from side to side until I made myself a little dizzy.  "That's the point.  You were sitting there, telling me it was your fault somehow, and you weren't even there.  If I couldn't do anything, neither could you.  And I realized it was time to stop.  It already happened.  I can't bring him back, and if you could you would have already."

"You're right, I can't," he said.

"Neither of us is all powerful.  There's nothing we could do, and there's nothing we can do now."

"I don't indulge in self-pity often," Eriol said wearily.  He took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, and then he pulled me off of the floor and onto the couch next to him.  "It's just been difficult to see you suffering so much, and to hear every day from Syaoran how I was messing everything up and making things worse.  He still doesn't like me very much."

That was hardly comforting.  I bit my lower lip, looking down at my hands.  "He's probably angry with me then."

Eriol shook his head.  "Hardly.  He wants you to be happy, no matter what.  That's all he really wants now."

"Even if you're the one that makes me happy?"  I looked at him hopefully.

He paused, taking on a posture of listening, and I knew this would be no idle answer.  He smiled slightly, nodding, and then looked deep into my eyes.  "As long as you're happy.  That's what matters to him the most."

I couldn't help myself.  I began to cry, unsure if the tears sprung from the grief of being reminded of his loss, or if they were tears of happiness and hope.  Eriol wrapped me in a comforting embrace, and I felt my heart would burst from all the emotions built up inside me.

"If I make you happy," he murmured softly in my ear, "than I'm luckier than I deserve.  Perhaps that's reason enough for Syaoran not to like me."

"I wish I could talk to him, just once more."

Eriol nodded, softly kissed my cheek, and left the room without another word.  I was confused, wondering if I'd said the wrong thing.  He hadn't looked hurt or angry or anything like that, but what made him leave?

I felt hands covering my eyes from behind, forcing them closed.  The fingers were cold as ice and I almost jumped, but a familiar scent hung in the air that made me pause.  My heart stilled.  I quickly raised my hands to grasp the cold hands resting on my face, and I almost whirled around with an exclamation of joy.

"No, don't look."

The words were an almost soundless whisper, but the voice was unmistakable.

"Syaoran!"


	7. Shadows and Shades

_I was fed up.  He was supposed to be my husband, not a pain in my ass like my big brother.  "It's not my fault I can't see the damn things!  Okay?  Lording it over me, just because you had better training and you're Clow's direct descendant."_

_"That has nothing to do with it!  You should just use a little bit of common sense instead of dashing off every time something feels a little bit funny.  It's a big world out there, Sakura, and you can't go around gawking at every little thing that comes along."_

_"It's not every little thing!  Having the cards gives me a responsibility to the community, to protect the people around me.  I need to know what's going on, so I can keep everyone safe!"_

_"You can't keep everyone safe.  You'll just wear yourself out trying, and on the one day you can't fix everything you'll be consumed by it.  Come on, the world will not end if you don't go out in the cold and rain to investigate every ghost with an anxiety attack."_

_"Syaoran!!!"  I was crushed.  He didn't understand.  He never would either.  I'd had all this handed to me, and I had to justify it somehow!  Eriol would be so disappointed in me if I didn't._

_I fingered the Big card and contemplated the same image that had helped me survive childhood with a mean tyrant of a big brother.  The thought of growing huge and squashing him like the narrow-minded insect he was acting--_

_"Syaoran!!!"  I shouted again, but this time it was terror and not anger or hurt that motivated me._

_"What?"  He was still looking at me, and not at the road, so he didn't see it coming at all._

_I had my hands on the cards, pulling Shield from the deck even as we collided with the truck in front of us.  We both hit the windshield, having stupidly forgotten our seatbelts in our irritation.  The windshield felt like a wall at first, then it gave and scattered like glittering jewels.  My eyes lost focus and_

~~~~~@~~~~~

"Just close your eyes," he said softly, and I could feel his breath against my ear.  He no longer felt cold to the touch, but he wasn't generating any heat either.  He was just...there.  I could feel him, and it was hard to imagine that he wasn't really, physically, there behind me.

"I can't see you again?"

"No."  His voice was flat, final.  "I am not really here, Sakura.  If I keep appearing and reminding you of what you lost, I'll keep you chained to me and you'll never have a chance to live your life again."

"But, I love you."  That was the answer.  That was the key.  Those words were supposed to be the solution to everything.

"I love you too.  That's why I can't stand to see you suffer over this.  It was a stupid, senseless accident, but it was meant to be.  It was my turn, so stop blaming yourself."

"I yelled at you.  The last thing you saw from me was anger and resentment, even though--"

"No.  I'm seeing you right now, and I've seen you many times since the accident.  There is no 'last thing' in death, and you need to stop telling yourself that.  You should have known, after the funeral, when I came back and told you to be happy.  It doesn't matter what was said that night, it doesn't matter what mistakes we both made while I was still alive.  More than anything else in the world I loved you while I was living, and I still love you just as much now that I'm dead."

His hands were still covering my eyes, and I clung to his wrists like a lifeline.  "I know you said I should be happy.  I just can't do it though.  I can't do it without you."

"In all this time, you haven't been happy even once?"

~~~~~@~~~~~

_The dim light made the windshield glass glitter around me on the black pavement.  I could feel cuts and bruises, but I knew those were superficial.  I was fine.  I would survive._

_The first thing my fingers encountered was the book that held the Sakura Cards.  It was the source of illumination by which I made out my surroundings--street lamps were at the exact distance where they did no good and the car's headlights, still shining, were pointed in the wrong direction.  I hugged the book to my chest and rolled over onto my back.  I wasn't ready to sit up yet._

_I was startled when I looked to my other side and saw Syaoran laying there.  He looked shocked, surprised by something, and he was looking right at me.  I smiled reassuringly and reached for his hand, twining my fingers through his, but his hand was ice cold and his fingers were stiff.  I was distracted from my thoughts as I heard his watch beeping the hour--something that had always annoyed me in the beginning of our marriage when I was trying to sleep and that had awoken me every hour.  It was amazing how fast I got used to it though, and how comforting I found the sound some nights._

_I glanced at my watch and saw that both hands were pointing upward.  I frowned, thinking that it wasn't right that it should be so late already.  And yet--it had been such a long evening.  Dinner with Onii-chan and Yukito-san, then a movie after that.  We were talking about something...about what to do tomorrow, I think...but Yue appeared and said he felt something strange.  I realized I felt it too and Syaoran grudgingly admitted that he did as well.  It was a new moon though, and Yue looked ready to fall asleep on his feet, so I said we could handle it alone.  It had taken a fair bit of driving to pinpoint the feeling, and then--_

_He wasn't moving.  It was while I was replaying the evening's events that I realized that he wasn't blinking, or moving at all._

_"Syaoran?"_

_Nothing.  Not a moan or the lightest breath, and his eyes were staring straight into mine.  His hand had not moved when I'd taken it.  The ice cold was not because we were lying on the ground in the middle of a cold spring storm.  It was because--_

_"No, it can't be."_

_I carefully sat up, moving closer.  His beautifully clear brown eyes did not track me.  He did not see me at all.  I crawled closer, ignoring the glass shards as they dug into the palm of my right hand and my knees...my left hand held the book protectively.  I must not lose the cards.  They were the only hope I had._

_"Syaoran, wake up."  But, that was a stupid thing to say.  He couldn't wake up, and I knew it.  He would never wake up.  He was_

~~~~~@~~~~~

Yes, I'd been happy.  I couldn't say it though.  I couldn't admit it out loud when he was holding me so close, and I was remembering so vividly all the things that hurt so much about losing him.

He sighed.  "He makes you happy.  Don't deny it, I've seen it with my own eyes.  Sure, you have been happy on your own a few times, but you're always happier when Eriol is around."  He sounded resigned.  Not entirely happy, but not exactly unhappy either.

I nodded slowly, cautiously.  "He knows what it's like for me.  He understands about the cards, and--"

"And you're falling in love with him."

I stiffened.  I couldn't read the emotion in his voice.  If I could just see his face--

"It's okay, Sakura.  It's what I've been trying for."

"What?"

"Since the moment he came back to Japan for the funeral, I've been trying to get him to be there for you.  He wanted that just as much as I did, so it wasn't difficult, but at the picnic when I saw how he could make you laugh and forget all about your pain I knew I wanted nothing more than to see you like that again.  Even if it means you're with him."

"If you would rather that I not be around him, I'll do anything you ask of me, even if--"

"Weren't you listening?  I just said he makes you happy.  That makes me happy.  Well, content at least.  You don't have to feel lonely if you don't want to, understand?  Don't give up your one chance to be almost as happy as you were with me out of some silly sense of guilt.  Besides, I've been working too hard at this for too long for you to walk away from it now."

Working too hard, too long?  That's when it clicked, how many times in the last half year that Eriol had shown up just when I needed him.  Eriol would knock at my door unannounced and say he was just in the neighborhood on those nights when I was at my lowest.  Even when I'd been on the balcony, when I'd flown over here--hadn't he said explicitly that I wasn't the one who had woken him?

What if Syaoran--?

"Were you watching when I kissed him?"  I blushed bright scarlet, but I had to know.

~~~~~@~~~~~

_I heard the ambulance in the distance, and I knew I was running out of time.  I had to do something before anyone else saw us, to avoid awkward questions.  Syaoran would never forgive me if the next thing he knew I was being questioned about using magic.  How many times had he lectured me that "There are just some things most people aren't ready to deal with!" over the years?_

_The cards were stirring more now, anticipating my request._

_"Time."_

_The card took corporeal form before me, looking like an old man with an hourglass.  The scene froze around us, taking on a monochromatic hue that I had grown accustomed to over the years.  The card looked at me with sorrowful eyes, even as I felt him sapping my strength.  "Mistress, I'm sorry."_

_"You haven't even tried yet!  You have to rewind everything and make it all not happen!"_

_"It is already past midnight.  There is nothing I can do.  He is beyond my powers to return to you."  Time's words were weary and strained, but not without hope._

_"Which card can help me?  All of you!   Tell me who can help!"_

_They stirred, but none came forward.  Every second I held the scene frozen from outside intrusion drained me further, and I was already injured.  I had to hurry, so their hesitation was hardly welcome._

_"Return!  You can bring me back to yesterday!  Take me back, and I'll tell myself not to go out!  Please."  Return slowly took form in addition to Time, and the world wavered around me.  It was a mistake to have both of these cards active at the same time, but I wasn't rational.  Somehow, I willed the darkness away and pushed back my weariness.  "Help me!"_

_The two cards exchanged a look, and then Return shook his head sorrowfully.  "I can let you see yesterday, but to change it?  No."_

_"You have to!  Please!  This is Syaoran, I can't just let him die!"_

_Time took a step closer.  "He is already dead."_

_"NO!"_

_"The consequences could be catastrophic, Mistress."  Return was trying so hard, but I could not listen.  I could not give up hope even as my vision grew dark and fuzzy at the edges, and their voices were coming at me from a greater and greater distance over the ringing in my ears._

_"There is no consequence greater than losing the man I love."_

_"I cannot do what you command."_

~~~~~@~~~~~

There was a long silence.  He finally said, in a rather choked voice, "I was there."

It was exactly as I'd feared.  And yet, if he was there, and he'd seen me do that, and this is still what he wanted, how could I refuse?  It was so strange that I could feel relief and guilt in equal measure like this.  He had seen me at my weakest, when I turned to someone else, and he still loved me.  He still held me in his arms and watched over me and wanted me to be happy.

There were no words.

"I can't stay here much longer," Syaoran whispered in my ear.  "I can't tell you what to do with your life, but please listen to me.  If you had been the one to die, and I was the one left behind, what would you do?  What would you want me to do?  How could I do any less, when I know how loving and generous you are?  It would be selfish of me to want to keep you from the rest of your life.  I'm in no condition to be selfish."

Tears were racing each other down my cheeks, and I felt unworthy of his generousness.  I didn't know what I would chose in the same situation, so how could he tell me he would do no less than I would?  What if I was selfish?  I didn't think I would be, but I didn't know.

"He irritated me so much," he went on in a wistful tone.  "He was so mature, and suave, and he knew so much.  He had all the things I was still struggling for, from the very first time he showed up in Tomoeda.  You know all that, you were there.  He was too good, and I couldn't compete.  I was always afraid, deep down inside, that I would have to, and I would lose.  Until the day you and I got married, I was afraid you'd measure me against his standards and find me lacking.

"Now, I can think of no one else I'd rather see you with.  I can't think of anyone else who is worthy of you, if I can't have you.  More than anything, I'm thankful for the time we did have, for the time I had you for my wife."

"I'm so lucky to have known you at all," I said softly.  "I always thought I was the one who didn't deserve you.  I still think so, especially now.  You've done so much for me."

"I wish I could do more."

~~~~~@~~~~~

_Before I would have passed out again, the cards withdrew.  I barely had the strength to keep my eyes open, let alone protest.  As the effects of Time were released I heard the warbling scream of the siren grow closer and I saw movement from the opposite direction out of the corner of my eye._

_"Sakura!"_

_Yue was there, carrying Onii-chan and looking paler than he had been earlier.  He was reflecting my suffering and magic use.  I could see it in his eyes that he knew what had happened._

_"No!"  I tried to scream it, but my protest sounded so weak.  I was on my hands and knees, close enough to be kneeling in what was now revealed to me to be a wash of blood.  I looked up, too stunned to cry, and I watched as Yue became Yukito before the ambulance actually arrived.  He rushed forward, but he looked sickened by what he saw._

_What could he see that I didn't?_

_"Sakura, don't move," Onii-chan warned me as he came closer.  He looked slightly ill as well, and for some stupid reason I didn't listen to him.  I moved closer._

_I had to see what was wrong._

_From the angle I'd been at, I could not see the top or back of Syaoran's head.  I'd just seen his face, and even that had been difficult in the pale light.  Where I thought his hair had been, where it should have started, was the beginning of a ragged wound.  A massive tangle of blood, hair, bone, and other things were visible as the headlights swept over the area.  I could see it all, and thought with some detachment that he must have curled up somehow before he was thrown through the windshield.  He clearly landed on his head...on the ground was evidence of that.  Blood was still pouring out.  Tissue everywhere.  What was I feeling, what was I seeing?  What exactly had my hands been in?  What was seeping through the fabric of my pants?_

_I screamed._

_Somewhere inside me, I had never stopped screaming._

~~~~~@~~~~~

I'm not sure how, but I found it within myself to give a weak laugh.  "I wish you could do more too, if only so that you wouldn't be dead anymore."

His hands slid down from my eyes, caressing my cheeks, then came to rest on my shoulders.  He chuckled and then kissed my cheek lightly.  It was so real I could almost smell his aftershave, and I swear I felt the beginning of raspy stubble on his chin.  My heart skipped a beat and I leaned closer to him, wanting to feel more and more.

"I love you so much," he whispered.  "So much more than I could ever find the words for."

I had to do it.  I had to try.  I needed to see him one more time no matter what he said, now that he wasn't guarding my eyes.

I turned quickly, suddenly.  Maybe if I caught him by surprise--

For a second I saw something dark, like a shadow hanging in midair.  Before I could blink or try to focus my eyes it faded to nothing, and I felt a blast of freezing air.  The room was cold for a minute, long enough to notice I could see my breath.  Then there was nothing.  No touch, no shadow, no strange feeling, no unnatural cold, and no words.

I'd been warned.

Still, I'd had to try.

"I love you too," I whispered.  "I miss you."

The room remained still.


	8. "If I Said..."

The door finally opened, and Eriol entered looking completely drained.  He made his way over to the couch on unsteady feet, flopping down onto the cushion beside me.  "You shouldn't have looked."

"I know," I said softly, looking at my hands twisting in my lap.  "I'm sorry."

"It's okay.  I knew you would.  You wouldn't be you if you hadn't tried to see him again."  His words didn't hold any hint of remonstration for what I'd done.  Actually, he sounded a little bit amused.  "A little bit of warning would have saved me a bit of a headache though."

"I'm sorry," I said again.

He reached out and took my hand, shaking his head slowly.  "It's the least price to pay for your state of mind.  It's the least I could do for the girl I love."

It was the first time either of us had used that word.  My heart leapt into my throat, and my eyes were so wide I wondered if I'd ever be able to shut them again.  "L-love?" I asked, hopeful and terrified at once.

"I've loved you from the very start, Sakura.  From the moment Clow had a vision that you would take his cards and care for them as if they were your own children.  I fell in love with you at that moment, and tried my hardest to never burden you with that."

Burden?  How could he think that would have been a burden?  But, even as I asked myself that question the answer came to me.  Circumstances had been against anything happening between the two of us from the very start.  I'd loved Yukito with all my heart, and had my childhood dreams about living with him in some happily ever after that would never end.  When that dream had died, Syaoran had indeed burdened me with his feelings by announcing his love.  I was so confused about what I felt.  The first few nights I'd wished he had never said those words to me.  Then he had left me, and I'd agonized over what I should feel for him and over feeling something for someone I couldn't see.  It had been a painful courtship really.  If Eriol had said those words to me at that time, it would have been much harder than it had been.  To top it off, many things had kept Eriol traveling over the years, and it would have been even harder to be in love and deal with months on end of no communication at all because of his work.  I still wasn't sure what had kept him away so much, and out of touch so often, but it was immutable fact.

I finally nodded, indicating my understanding.  I then wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug.  "I love you too," I murmured, feeling like something locked away inside me had been released.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I want to say that everything from there was a happily ever after.  There's no such thing though.  I'm reminded of how Clow had used those words right after the Final Judgment.  Clow's ghost.  (Maybe I've never been afraid of ghosts, but only of the unknown.  Of half-truths and near misses.)  I can't remember exactly what he'd said, but he mentioned a happily ever after, and I believed him then.  Through summer vacation that year, I believed him.

"I don't believe in happily ever afters anymore, Eriol."

He rolled over sleepily and looked at me with those piercing blue eyes of his.  "What do you believe in?"

I smiled.  "I believe in magic, but I don't believe in fairy tales."  I reached over and brushed a lock of hair from his face.  "Things just keep going, and there's always more story to be told.  A happily ever after would be an end, but everything goes on and on, even after death."

He glanced across the room for a moment, and then met my eyes again.  "Yes it does."

I looked toward where he had glanced, but I saw nothing.  I pulled the blanket up, covering all vital parts.  "He's not in here _now_ is he?"  I felt my cheeks heat up, and I'm sure I had turned bright scarlet.

"Of course not.  He knows better now."  He winked at me, and I just blushed harder at the memory.

"Then why did you look?"  I pulled the pillow out from under me and hit him with it.  "You're so mean!"

"I was just making sure!"

"Why?  We weren't doing anything."

"Not yet," he said, grabbing my wrist before I could swing at him with the pillow again.

"I thought you were satisfied," I teased softly, releasing the pillow immediately.

"I was, and then I heard your voice again."

My heart skipped a beat.

"I love you."

His hand released my wrist and trailed down my arm softly.  The light whisper of touch sent shivers through me.  He knew when to be delicate with me.  He treasured me.

"I love you too.  Forever."

He pulled the blanket down slowly, revealing just enough.  His fingers continued tracing down my skin to my breast, circling the areola with just enough pressure that my nipple tautened as I watched.  It was fascinating.  He knew me so well...he'd learned my body so quickly.

"I used to believe in happily ever after.  I wanted to so much, for your sake.  I tried so hard."  His voice held just a hint of vulnerability.  I reached toward him, and he playfully took one of my fingers into his mouth.  I gasped as I felt the warm moisture, the hint of teeth, and the soft stroking of his tongue.  It was just for a moment, but it was such an intimate touch.  He leaned closer to me to kiss me softly, but it was quick.  He leaned back again, looking at me.  He had more he wanted to say.  "Even if I die tomorrow, or if you do, tonight is that happily ever after.  At death, we'll just have to start writing a new story, yes?"

I nodded, accepting what he said without thinking at first.  My mind kept racing despite myself though, and I finally found words.  "It's never ever after if we keep starting again, is it?"

His laugh was low and seductive as he rolled over, hovering over me and locking onto my eyes.  His body pressed against mine for most of the length of our bodies, and my breath quickened as I felt his arousal against me.  His hands were on the bed on either side of my head, and his forearms pressed lightly into my shoulders.  He lowered himself until our foreheads touched.  "It depends on who is writing the story, I suppose."

"What if I am?"

"Then you can have as many happily ever afters as you want.  You are Sakura.  You can tell the story of how we met.  You can tell the tale of the epic romance you shared with Syaoran.  You can tell the story of the cards, or of how you've been gaining your own magic since they fell into your care.  It's your story."

"There are too many stories.  They all have happy endings somewhere, but if I try to think of a place to write an ending, I always know there is more to the story."

"I hope there is more to this story," Eriol said playfully as he moved to kneel between my legs.  As he did, my body was completely revealed.  He made an appreciative sound, looking me over carefully.  "Every time I look at you, you're more beautiful than I remembered."

I blushed, grabbing the pillow I'd dropped before and pressing my face into it.  "You keep saying that!"

"I keep believing it."

"Then why is it that I feel like I'm the one who is lucky to have you?"

"We're both lucky," he said, pulling on my hands to guide me to sit up.  I followed his lead willingly, and eagerly met him with a kiss when he moved me onto his lap.

Even what followed from there was not a happily ever after, though it made me very happy.  Even as he kissed the ring upon my ring finger...the one he'd placed there himself only a month ago...I did not call that an ending.  "We keep having new beginnings," I breathed when I had a chance.

He moaned, biting my neck, bringing another type of sensation into the mix of pleasure coursing through me.  "Would you like another beginning?"

What kind of a question was that?  I was too distracted to answer him, or ask what he meant.  It wasn't until afterward, when we lay sprawled on the bed, and he rested his head on my abdomen that I thought of it again.  "What beginning?"

"This one," he placed an index finger over my womb, and I gasped.

"Now?"

"No, not this time," he said, and his eyes looked distant for a moment.  It was as if the knowledge made him sad.  "Not yet."

"I'd like to start that happily ever after with a new beginning.  If you would."

He smiled up at me, looking so content that I wanted to kiss him again, but I was too worn out to move.

"I know just what to name him."

"Him?"

He nodded, relaxing against me.  "Soon, Sakura-chan.  Unless you tell me you're not ready."

I leaned back into my pillow, trying to imagine it.  Me?  A mother?  I felt a rush of warmth.  "A vision?"

He nodded again.  "You inspire me."

I grinned, looking up at the ceiling.  "Who am I to fight fate?" I said softly, not unaware of the slight irony there.  I'd tried so hard to fight when things got painful, or scary, or out of control.  Maybe this was fate's way of making that up to me.  Karma.

And, when we reached that temporary state of happily ever after, we both felt it.  It hit us like an earthquake.  We kissed each other, we fell in love all over again, and that was the end of that particular story.


End file.
